◇◇新语丝(www.xys.org)(xys5.dxiong.com)(www.xinyusi.info)(xys2.dropin.org)◇◇   [译者按]:自从耶鲁大学菲律宾裔美国华人法学教授蔡美儿(Amy Chua)撰 文声称中国虎妈妈式的育儿方式比西方的育儿方式更优越以来,很多人提出了反 对意见。Lac Su先生最近在美国有线电视网发表文章,以自己的亲身经历质疑 中国式的家教方式。现将该文翻译以飨读者。   Lac Su先生心理家和TelentSmart 的执行总裁。他2009年出版了自传体的 书《“我爱你”是白人的说法》。   ------------------------------------------   虎妈妈给孩子留下终生的创伤   (Goodhelper 翻译)   我的父亲是中国人母亲是越南人,他们是蔡女士主张的那种家教方式的典型 代表。蔡女士一月八号的文章是根据她的回忆录《虎妈妈的战歌》写成的。在这 篇文章中蔡女士断言中国式的严厉家教比西方的方式优越,这招来猛烈的批评。   在文章发表的当天我就收到了上千的来自亲朋好友和粉丝们的电子邮件。当 我终于有空阅读这篇文章时(我白天是不写作的),我一下子就被惊了一个瞠目 结舌。诸位看到了吧,在蔡女士这种人的家里长大可不是一件容易事啊,虽然我 已近四十了,但心里的创伤仍还没有愈合。   虎妈妈:我就是不让步。   我相信蔡女士粗鲁武断的家教方式来源于她自己的不幸福。你或许要问我是 怎么知道的?是我父亲告诉我的。正是我父亲虎式的家教创造出了我用作自己回 忆录书名的口头禅:“我爱你”是白人的说法。   我父亲和蔡女士唯一的不同是蔡女士从没有打过她的女儿(至少据我所知)。   反正是一样,蔡女士的管教办法就是通过情绪化的心理游戏来管住她的女儿 们 ------ 洗脑, 讥讽,反向强化,和逆向心里法。   通过写《“我爱你”是白人的说法》我学会了如何对付虎爪留给我的创痕。 书发行后,我遇到了很多很多的受过同样创伤的人们。在我整个的年轻年少时期, 我的父母都是不失时机地指出我的愚蠢。他们那种极强烈的不顾代价地让我成功 的欲望导致的结果是使我像蔡女士的女儿一样失去自尊。我父母特别认为我在学 校没有进步。他们坚信我学东西太慢,他们把我的谨慎行事错误地理解为缺乏动 力,把我对疼爱的要求错误地理解为不学好的美国小痞子的要求。   他们认为通过指出我的愚蠢,无关紧要,浪费时空,可以达到刺激我去有所 作为。就像蔡女士的女儿一样,不管我做的多好或者多听话,我等父母都不允许 我花时间去和朋友们玩儿。他们永远认为我做的不够。   当心理游戏—甚至体罚—没能使我变得更聪明时,我的父母想到了中国古老 的治疗愚蠢的办法。在我上三年级的一个星期六的早上, 他们让我坐在厨房的 桌子旁,然后把一块肉丸子大小的粉红色的颤巍巍的肉吧叽扔在我面前的盘子里。 我知道它是肉,但不像任何以前吃过的一样。   这块长方形的肉是牛脑。在以后的一年里我父母强迫我每个周末吃一块。通 过这种努力,我一点也没有变得更聪明。   三年前我们家庭聚会时,我父亲承认了他后悔自己的家教方式,我当时不知 道说什么 -- 因为损害已经造成了。   我同情蔡女士的两个女儿,我能想象她们母女间有一天会有像我和我父亲之 间一样的对话的。蔡女士似乎并不怀疑她的虎妈妈教育方式太极端。在我小时, 我的父亲也一样不认为他的方式太极端。他从来没有想过他的粗鲁武断应不应该, 从来没有想过把我和外界隔离是不是让我学会在外界处事的最好的办法。在他的 脑子里,他做的是对的。   眼下她的家教方式受到公众强烈的质疑时,蔡女士开始辩解说是大家误解了 她。她的文章其实是试图发现她的家教方法的错误之所在。   然而她又在“Today Show”节目中说,如果她能重新再来一次的话,她还会 做同样的事。   这不是一个改过自新的虎妈妈说的话。   直到看到我成年后以温暧夸赏的方式养育我自己的孩子时,我的父亲才意识 到世上还有更好的育儿方式。   我现在三十多岁了,我敢肯定从表面上看是成功幸福的。我出版了书,我是 一个成功的主管,我有一个心理学博士学位。尽管这一切,我父母的教育方式是 失败的,因为我的内心深处已是支离破碎。   我经历了无数小时的心理治疗,我对自己价值的否定的观念使我不得不依靠 酒精来麻木疼痛。   我本应该追逐梦想,而不是追逐痛楚。   孩子需要父母的爱和接受以便培养出自尊。像心理游戏感情摧残和强权控制 一样,贬低孩子会使他们感觉自己不值得爱不值得支持。这种感觉会跟随孩子一 生。我现在每天仍然想我到底是不是愚蠢。我直到读研究生之前在班上没有举过 手,因为我真心地认为像我这样一个傻瓜根本没有值得发言的东西。   假如我能对蔡女士说一件事的话,我想说的是,我宁愿丢掉我这点所谓的成 功去换取没有被虎妈妈留下深深创伤的快乐的生活。   原文:   My Chinese father and Vietnamese mother personified the parenting style advocated by Chua. Chua's January 8 article -- based on her new memoir "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" --unleashed a firestorm of criticism for its unabashed assertion that the harsh stereotypically Chinese style of parenting is superior to that of the West.   I received more than 1,000 emails from fans, family, and friends the day Chua's article ran. When I finally had a free moment to read the article (writing isn't my day job), I was briefly overwhelmed by a visceral, gushing panic.   You see, growing up in a home like Chua's was no piece of cake, and although I'm close to 40 now, I still bear wounds that haven't healed.   Tiger Mom: I'm not backing down   I believe that Chua's abusive parenting is motivated by her own unhappiness. How do I know this? My father told me so. He's the man whose tiger-infused parenting produced the catch phrase that became the title of my memoir, I Love Yous Are for White People.   The only difference between Chua's and my father's parenting technique is that Chua never laid a hand on her daughters (as far as we know).   All the same, Chua's modus operandi is to keep her daughters in check via the emotional mind game -- brain-washing, derision, negative reinforcement, and reverse psychology.   Writing I Love Yous Are for White People helped me to cope with the wounds the tigers' claws left behind. Since its release I've met countless others who bare similar scars.   All my young life, my parents were quick to remind me of my stupidity. Their burning desire to see me achieve at any cost resulted in the same belittling imparted by Chua on her daughters. My parents were particularly preoccupied with my lack of progress in school.   Fixated on the idea that I was a slow learner, they confused my cautiousness with a lack of desire, and my need for affection as the wants of a spoiled American brat.   In telling me that I was a stupid, worthless, waste of space, they believed they were spurning me on to do great things. Like Chua's daughters, they didn't allow time with friends, and no matter how hard I worked, or how dutifully I obeyed their commands.   It was never enough.   When the mind games -- and even beatings -- didn't make me smart enough, my parents resorted to an ancient Chinese "cure" for my stupidity. One Saturday morning when I was in third grade, they sat me down at the kitchen table and plopped a throbbing, round lump of pink flesh the size of a softball onto a plate in front of me. It landed with a splat. I knew it was meat, but nothing I'd ever eaten before.   The oblong hunk of flesh was a cow's brain, and my parents made me eat one every weekend for a year. I didn't get any smarter from the effort.   Three years ago, during a family gathering, my father confessed regret about his choice in parenting. I didn't know what to say. The damage had been done.   I feel for Chua's daughters and imagine they'll have similar conversations with her one day. Chua doesn't seem to wonder if her tiger techniques are overboard, and neither did my father while I was young. He never asked if the abuse was unwarranted, and never questioned whether isolating me from the world was the best way for me to learn how to maneuver in it. In his mind, he had done the right thing.   Now that her parenting has been subjected to intense public scrutiny, Chua has gone on the defensive, saying that the Journal article got it all wrong and her book is really about discovering the error of her ways.   Of course, she also went on the Today Show and said that, if she was given the opportunity to do it all over again, she would, "basically do the same thing."   Not exactly the words of a reformed tiger.   Only by seeing me as an adult, taking a nurturing, accepting approach in rearing my children, did my father realize that there is a better way.   Now in my mid-thirties, I'm sure I appear successful and happy on the surface. I'm a published author, a successful executive, and I have a Ph.D. in psychology.   In spite of this, my parents' approach failed. I'm torn to pieces on the inside.   I've been through countless hours of psychotherapy, and my lack of self-worth beckons me to rely on alcohol to numb the pain.   I should be chasing my dreams, not chasing pain.   Children need their parents' love and acceptance in order to develop real self-esteem. Belittling children sends the message that they are not worthy of love and support -- as do mind games, emotional abuse, and tight-fisted control.   This message lasts a lifetime. I still question every day if I am, indeed, stupid. I didn't even raise my hand in class until graduate school because I honestly believed that a moron like me has nothing worthy to say.   If I could say one thing to Amy Chua, it's that I would trade every last bit of my success in life to live without the deep wounds given to me by a Tiger Mother. (XYS20110121) ◇◇新语丝(www.xys.org)(xys5.dxiong.com)(www.xinyusi.info)(xys2.dropin.org)◇◇